Coming Out Brought Me Closer to God.

By Jacque Visagie | MEN. GREATER LIVES.

I'm gay, and YES... I believe in and love God.

I believe in love, family, responsibility, commitment, forgiveness and living a life guided by strong values.

And here's something that might surprise some people.

My relationship with God has become considerably deeper since I came out as gay.

I know that may seem unusual to some.

There are people who assume that coming out means turning away from Christianity, rejecting religious values or abandoning the faith you grew up with.

In fact, some of the most difficult experiences of my life have brought me to a much deeper understanding of how much I NEEED GOD.

Because this article is about something far more personal than a debate about homosexuality and the Bible.

It's about FAITH in a TRUE LOVING GOD.

It's about what happens when the life you've built suddenly becomes uncertain and recognising the limits of your own very human strength.

And it's about learning to TRUST GOD with the things you cannot (and never could) carry on your shoulders, no matter how broad they are, sir.

I Realised I Couldn't Carry This Life And Everything In It Myself

When I came out as gay at 39, my life changed instantly and profoundly.

I've written about this in my previous article, I Loved My Life. Then I Realised I Was Gay.

I love my wife. I love our family. I love the life we'd spent years building together.

We had a beautiful marriage, an incredible son, an amazing business we'd worked exceptionally hard to establish and a future we'd imagined sharing as husband and wife.

And suddenly, parts of that future became very uncertain and got compounded by the emotional weight of knowing that people I deeply loved were also deeply affected by what we were going through.

At that stage, as a man who has spent more than fifteen years coaching people on personal leadership, performance and taking responsibility for their lives, I was accustomed to believing in the power of "taking" ownership.

But I began to understand that I cannot hold everything together through my own strength and force of will.

I cannot control every outcome, guarantee that the people I love will never experience pain, protect my family from every uncertainty, force life to unfold according to my plans, however carefully I've made them.

And perhaps most importantly, I cannot carry the entire weight of my family's future on my shoulders.

I NEEDED GOD.

I need His guidance.

I need values to grab onto and hold tightly to remain steady while my circumstances change drastically.

I need the wisdom to recognise what is within my responsibility and the humility to accept what isn't.

And I need to trust that even when I cannot see exactly where life is taking me, there is purpose, meaning and a future God is steering me towards building.

My relationship with God changed through that realisation. It became more personal, intentional and considerably deeper.

I can take responsibility for my actions, my effort, my character and the way I treat people. I also have to trust God with the things I cannot control.

That's still something I'm learning to live by.

God Has Always Been Part of My Story

Faith has been part of my life for as long as I can remember in different ways and depths.

I've prayed about the people I love, the challenges I've faced and the opportunities I've been given.

I've thanked God for extraordinary moments.

As well as the day I met Karla at my 21st birthday party in Johannesburg.

I still thank Him for that birthday gift. 😊

Karla became my best friend, my wife and the mother of our beautiful son. She remains a great love of my life.

We built an extraordinary life together, and I'll always be grateful for the years we shared as husband and wife.

My understanding of my sexuality came much much later in life, and it came through a very complicated process of questioning, fear, pain, uncertainty, healing and eventually clarity.

And when I finally understood that I'm a gay man, I didn't suddenly stop believing in God.

I found myself needing Him even more.

Because now I had to navigate a future I hadn't anticipated, while still trying to honour the people, commitments and values that mean so much to me.

And that naturally raised some important questions in me and of course those I encountered.

Including questions about what I'd been taught to believe about sexuality, Scripture and God.

How Much of Our Faith Have We Actually Examined Thoughtfully?

One of the things I've come to appreciate as I've grown older is how much of our understanding of life comes from the people and environments around us.

Our parents, churches, communities, teachers. The culture we grow up in.

We inherit beliefs, values, assumptions and interpretations long before we're old enough to examine them properly.

And yes, in many ways, that's how we learn.

There can be enormous value in the "wisdom" of people who came before us, but the opposite can also be true if left unexamined.

So eventually, I think we have a responsibility to understand why we believe what we believe.

Especially when those beliefs influence how we see ourselves and how we treat other people.

Faith has to be something we invest real time and thought into.

For me, questioning an interpretation of Scripture doesn’t mean questioning God Himself.

I think of Jacob, who wrestled through the night with the figure Hosea later describes as an angel. Even in that struggle, he refused to let go without a blessing. What moves me about that story is that he kept holding on.

I recognise something of my own journey in that. I’ve had to wrestle with what I was taught, what I believe and how I understand God. I’ve brought difficult questions into that relationship. And through that process, my desire to know Him and trust Him has only grown stronger. I wasn't willing to let go of God. And neither should you be.

So yes, I want to know what Scripture says.

I want to understand what it meant in its original context.

I want to know how it was translated.

And I want to remain willing to examine whether something I've heard for years is actually supported by the evidence.

Homosexuals. A Word That Only Entered an English Bible in 1946

In 1946, the Revised Standard Version of the New Testament introduced the English word homosexuals into its translation of 1 Corinthians 6:9.

That is a factual documented moment in modern Bible translation history, explored by historian Heather R. White.

The original Greek text contains two words relevant to this discussion: malakoi and arsenokoitai.

And their meanings have been the subject of considerable scrutiny and scholarly debate.

Malakoi means something like "soft" and carry different meanings depending on the context, It is argued to point to a "soft man" meaning a man with weak moral values.

Arsenokoitai is a rare Greek compound involving words associated with males and sexual intercourse. Some scholars argue that the historical context specifically points towards exploitative, abusive or unequal sexual relationships, including practices involving prostitution or significant power differences. 

The precise scope of what Paul intended by these words remains disputed.

The word homosexual carries a meaning in our modern world that extends beyond a particular sexual act.

It can describe a person's sexual orientation and identity.

So when ancient words describing disputed categories of exploitative, abusive or unequal sexual behaviour are translated into a modern term associated with an entire group of people, the implications can be substantial.

A reader may understand the passage as referring to gay people as a category, rather than carefully considering the particular actions and historical circumstances the original language might have addressed.

What About the Rest of Scripture?

I know the discussion doesn't begin and end with one verse in Corinthians.

There are other biblical passages, including those in Leviticus and Romans, that Christians have interpreted in different ways when considering same-sex relationships.

Some hold the traditional position that sexual relationships belong exclusively within marriage between a man and a woman.

Others believe that the historical and cultural contexts of these passages require a different understanding when considering loving, committed same-sex relationships today.

Thoughtful, committed Christians disagree about these passages. We should examine the different interpretations honestly, including those that give us the answers we'd most like to hear.

I don't pretend that one article can settle these debates. The St Andrews Encyclopaedia of Theology provides an overview of some of them.

But I do believe the conversation deserves greater care, particularly when it influences how people understand their relationship with God.

Because behind these discussions are real people.

People with families.

People with faith.

People who genuinely want to live good lives.

And sometimes people who are terrified that discovering something about themselves means they've somehow lost their place with God.

And I whole heartedly believe that that is a HUGE LIE. 

What About the Boy Who Is Listening?

I've been spending time with Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys, by Stephen James and David Thomas.

One of the ideas I love about raising boys is how important it is to understand the boy in front of you.

His unique needs and fears.

His ever growing understanding of himself.

And the extraordinary responsibility adults have to guide, nurture and love him through the different stages of becoming a man.

As I listened to the book's discussion of homosexuality, my thoughts kept returning to something that concerns me deeply.

What happens to a boy who begins questioning his sexuality while growing up in an environment where being gay is spoken about with disgust, condemnation or shame?

Think about that for a moment.

A boy doesn't necessarily have the emotional maturity, knowledge or life experience to understand everything he's feeling.

He may be confused.

He may be frightened.

He may have questions he doesn't know how to ask.

And he may already have heard the adults he admires making statements about gay people.

Perhaps around the dinner table.

Perhaps at school.

Perhaps in church.

Maybe he's heard people describe homosexuality as disgusting, immoral or evidence that something is wrong with a person.

Maybe he's heard jokes that made everyone laugh.

Except him.

Because somewhere inside, he's beginning to wonder whether those words might apply to him.

Now imagine what that does to the way he sees himself.

Imagine him sitting in church, listening to people speak about God's love, while quietly wondering whether that same God is disappointed in him.

Imagine him looking at his father, a man he admires and desperately wants to make proud, and wondering whether telling him the truth might cost him his father's love.

And imagine the loneliness of carrying those questions without knowing whether there's a single person he can safely speak to.

We need to take that seriously.

Because boys listen.

They remember.

And long before a boy has the confidence to tell anyone what he's experiencing, he may already have formed an opinion about how the people around him would respond.

A boy shouldn't have to become an expert at hiding himself simply to feel safe and loved.

When Fear Becomes More Powerful Than Faith

Research has found associations between rejection of LGBTQ young people and poorer mental health, including higher levels of depression and suicide risk. The Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry's guidance on faith communities and LGBT youth discusses these risks and ways adults can offer support.

Young people who feel supported and accepted by their families generally experience better outcomes.

And religious rejection can create another painful conflict.

For a boy who loves God, being told that something fundamental about himself makes him unacceptable may create a profound struggle between his emerging identity and the faith he has been raised to treasure.

He may begin to experience shame.

He may become anxious about being discovered.

He may withdraw from the people around him.

He may begin questioning his own worth.

And, perhaps most tragically, he may begin distancing himself from the very relationship with God that could otherwise have been an important source of hope, comfort and strength.

The Trevor Project's research on religion and spirituality among LGBTQ youth also discusses the complicated relationship between faith, exclusion and mental health.

Think about the implications of that.

A young man who genuinely wants to know God may eventually turn away from church, prayer or faith because his experiences have taught him to associate God with rejection.

And I find that heartbreaking.

I cannot believe that pushing frightened, questioning boys away from a relationship with God is what He wants from us.

That's my personal conviction.

I believe God loves us.

I believe He wants us to seek Him.

And I believe we have a responsibility to be extraordinarily careful about the picture of God we create through the way we treat one another.

Because sometimes a boy's first understanding of God's love comes from the way the adults in his life love him.

And sometimes his first experience of religious condemnation comes from those very same people.

The Lives Behind These Numbers

Working with men every day, I also think about the adults these boys will become.

Here in South Africa, the World Health Organization’s estimates for 2021 indicate that approximately 77% of people who died by suicide were male. That is more than three out of every four deaths.  iris.who.int

Research also shows particular concerns for boys who suspect they might be homosexual and for homosexual men.

In the United States, the CDC’s nationally representative 2021 high school survey found that 19.6% of gay male students reported attempting suicide during the previous year, compared with 5% of heterosexual male students. The proportion was nearly four times as high.  MMWR

But this concern extends well beyond adolescence.

An Office for National Statistics study covering 2021 to 2023 in England and Wales found that males aged 16 and older who identified as gay, bisexual or another minority sexual orientation had an age-adjusted suicide death rate approximately 1.8 times that of heterosexual males.  Office for National Statistics

These figures come from different countries and measure different outcomes, including reported attempts and deaths.

 I must add that suicide has multiple contributing factors. Discrimination, relationship difficulties, isolation and barriers to mental health care can all contribute to risk.  MMWR

There is also reason for hope.

Research among LGBTQ young people in the United States found that acceptance of their sexual orientation by parents, other adults and peers was associated with fewer reported suicide attempts.  PubMed

But let's consider what happens when a boy finally finds the courage to tell us what he is experiencing.

Does he feel safe enough to keep talking?

Does he know we will take his distress seriously and help him get the real support he needs?

As a father and a God-loving man, I would love for this boy or young man to know that they can be honest, ask for help and remain deeply loved.

Whatever theological questions we are still working through as a society, we can still listen carefully, protect their dignity and help them find appropriate care.

He deserves to imagine a future in which he is loved, supported and able to thrive.

Please Don't Desert the Boy Who Needs You

I know there are parents and church leaders who hold sincere theological convictions about homosexuality.

I respect their freedom to hold those beliefs.

But whatever your convictions, there's a real living, breathing, amazing young person God loves deeply on the other side of this conversation who needs you to remain a safe, loving and trustworthy adult.

He still needs his papa and mama.

He still needs encouragement, guidance, affection, boundaries, meaningful relationships and adults who genuinely care about the man he's becoming.

He needs the freedom to ask questions.

He needs someone who will listen to understand.

And he needs to know that uncertainty about his sexuality doesn't make him less deserving of dignity, respect and love, or make him less than a man.

You don't have to know every answer of course.

You don't have to resolve every theological disagreement in a single conversation.

And you certainly don't need to pressure a boy into defining his sexuality before he's actually ready. That will only make it become a diagnosis.

But you can make sure he knows that he is loved no matter what and that he doesn't need to earn your affection by becoming the person you imagined he would be.

And that he can continue asking questions about God, faith, relationships and himself without being humiliated or even abandoned.

I've thought about these things differently since becoming a father.

Because I know how much a boy looks to his parents for his understanding of who he is.

And I know how deeply I want my son to love God, live by strong values and grow into a good man.

If we want our sons to grow into men who trust us with the difficult parts of their lives, we need to become the kind of fathers who can be trusted with those conversations.

And if we want them to develop a meaningful relationship with God, we should be careful that our own fear, judgement or lack of understanding doesn't become the very thing that drives them away.

The world can be extraordinarily difficult for a boy trying to understand who he is.

I hope the people who love him will make that journey a little less frightening.

I Don't Need Everyone to Agree With Me

I've come to accept that people will have different convictions about sexuality and Christianity.

And that's their freedom.

I don't expect everyone to interpret Scripture in exactly the same way.

I don't expect everyone to understand my personal journey.

And I certainly don't expect people to abandon deeply held beliefs simply because my life looks different from theirs.

But I do believe we can disagree with dignity.

We can ask questions.

We can listen.

We can consider information we may never have encountered before.

And we can remain humble enough to recognise that we don't know everything about another person's life.

I've written before about respecting other people's freedom, including when their decisions disappoint us.

That principle applies here too.

If I expect the freedom to examine my beliefs and live according to my convictions, I need to respect that same freedom in others.

But I also believe the way we treat people who are different from us says something important about our own character.

And about the values we claim to live by.

You can hold strong convictions and still treat people with extraordinary kindness, humility and respect.

I think our world needs more of that.

Being Gay Hasn't Changed the Man I Want to Become

Being gay hasn't changed my desire to be a good man who loves God.

The experiences of recent years have made me think more carefully about what responsibility, integrity and commitment demand of me.

It's easy to speak about honesty and responsibility when life is going according to plan. It's harder when relationships change, people get hurt and your own security feels uncertain.

That's when our values have to show up in the decisions we make, the commitments we honour and the way we treat people.

For me, my relationship with God is the most important part of that work. I want His guidance, and I want to remain accountable for the man I'm becoming.

The Faith I Want My Son to Know

As a father, I think about what my son will learn about God from watching the way I live.

I want him to know and love God, and to know that he is deeply loved by Him.

I want him to be quick to love and forgive, slow to judge, and willing to keep learning.

I also want him to develop his own relationship with God, ask thoughtful questions and find the courage to live by the values he genuinely believes in.

And I want him to see that his dad is still learning. That I won't always get everything right, and that I'll sometimes need to ask for forgiveness.

I hope he remembers a father who kept showing up, took responsibility for his life and trusted God through its uncertainties.

I Still Believe God Has an Extraordinary Future for Me

I don't know exactly what the next ten or twenty years of my life will look like. There are still things I'm grieving and parts of my future that remain uncertain.

But I'm excited about the possibilities.

I want to keep building my business, be an extraordinary father, love and be loved, and discover what this new chapter can become.

And I want God to be part of every bit of it.

If you're trying to reconcile your faith with something you've discovered about yourself or someone you love, you don't have to have every answer today.

You can ask honest questions, examine what you've been taught and keep holding on to God.

As for me?

I'm gay.

I'm a Christian.

I'm a father, a businessman and a coach. I still have questions, and I'm still working on becoming a better man.

I need God in my life. I need His guidance, His wisdom and the values that give my life direction.

I believe God loves me.

And I want to build the rest of my life in a way that honours Him, the people I love and the man I'm becoming.

Your greatest chapter is still ahead of you.

Your Brother and Friend, 

- Jacque Visagie

---

MEN | GREATER LIVES

Know yourself. Live your values. Build a greater life.

---

References and further reading

The following sources informed the historical, theological and youth-well-being discussions in this article. They offer research and historical context; they do not all take the same theological position.

• Heather R. White, “How the Bible Came to Speak about Homosexuality,” Reforming Sodom (2015).
• Broadview, “How the word ‘homosexuals’ entered the Bible — and the minister who challenged it” (2026).
• Jack Slater and Susannah Cornwall, “Queer Theology,” St Andrews Encyclopaedia of Theology (2022).
• Stephen James and David Thomas, Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys, publisher information.
• Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry, Faith Communities and the Well-Being of LGBT Youth (2020).
• The Trevor Project, “Religion and Spirituality Among LGBTQ Youth” (2022).