I LOVE Being a Man. But What Does That Really Mean?

By Jacque Visagie · Identity & Meaning

I ran into an old acquaintance recently, and the fact that I'd come out came up almost immediately.

"I don't care if you're gay. Just don't be gay gay, you know what I mean?"

Well... no... I actually don't really know what you mean. 🤔

Mmmm...

But I suspect he didn't really know either.

I think the words just came out. Something he'd heard before. Something familiar enough to repeat without ever really stopping to consider what he was saying.

And honestly, I don't think the encounter itself mattered very much. I hadn't seen this man in over ten years and probably won't see him again.

But for a moment, his comment took me straight back to being a very young boy.

Back to a time when my father and oldest brother would call me a moffie.

I didn't understand what the word really meant other than it being really bad.

I just knew they didn't like me, and something about me made them unhappy and aggressive.

I knew I was a boy. I LOVED being a boy! And I loved boy things.

But they could see something in me that wasn't quite right according to their writing on the wall.

I later learned it was never me. They had the problem.

But when those demeaning messages come from people whose love and approval mean actual survival to you, they can easily become part of how you learn to see yourself.

I've thought about that little boy a lot over the past few years, especially leading up to coming out.

If I could I would tell him:

My little man, there was never anything wrong with you being the boy you were. And there's nothing wrong with loving the man you've become. It was never you.

But here's what REALLY interests me about all of this at this stage of my life.

How much of what we believe about ourselves and other people have we actually examined?

Or are we simply repeating what we've heard, doing what we've seen and following rules we've never consciously chosen?

The bell rings. Everybody stands up.

Have you seen that brilliant waiting-room clip?

Several actors are sitting in a waiting room.

A bell rings.

Everybody stands up.

A few seconds later, they sit down again.

Nobody explains anything.

Then someone new enters the room. This person has absolutely no idea what's going on.

The bell rings.

Everybody stands up.

The newcomer looks around, confused, and eventually stands up too.

WHY?

Nobody asked them to.

Nobody explained what the bell meant.

They just watched everyone else doing it and followed along.

Now HERE is the fascinating part.

One by one, the actors leave.

Eventually, the room is filled with people who were never part of the original arrangement.

But you can bet your ass, when that bell rings, EVERYBODY STANDS UP! 🤣

LOVE IT.

It's a staged demonstration of social conformity, but man, doesn't it make you think?

How often do we do exactly the same thing in our own lives?

We learn what success should look like.

How a man should behave.

What makes somebody respectable.

What kind of life we're supposed to build.

And without even realising it, we begin enforcing those expectations on ourselves AND one another.

The bell rings, up we go.

And sometimes we spend an entire lifetime standing up without ever asking WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

What if we became curious about the bell?

Now, I'm not suggesting everything we've learned from our parents, families, communities or traditions are wrong.

HELL NO!

I've inherited some wonderful values.

Faith. Responsibility. Hard work. Family. Commitment.

Some of those things have become foundations for a life I genuinely LOVE.

But I've also had to examine things I accepted about myself, about other people and about the kind of man I was supposed to become.

And I think that's part of growing up.

Becoming conscious of the life you're actually living.

Because there's a tremendous difference between following a value because YOU'VE examined it and genuinely believe in it, and following a rule because you've never stopped to ask why or because you're desperate not to stand out.

And here's where my work with men has taught me something extraordinary.

We are ALL SO different! Can you belive.

I've spent more than 16 years coaching men through physical transformation, behaviour change and high performance.

One man dreams of building a business that changes an industry.

Another wants a quiet life with his family.

One wants to travel the world and take enormous risks.

Another wants to dedicate himself to his community, his faith or raising his children.

And some want ALL of those things!

HELL YES!

Those aren't competing definitions of a good man.

They're different men with different stories, ambitions and values.

And I find that absolutely fascinating.

The question isn't whether another man's ambitions look like mine.

The question is whether the life he's building genuinely belongs to HIM.

Because you can become incredibly successful at living a life you never consciously chose.

Think about that. What are you working towards right now? And WHY?

Is it because you genuinely LOVE it? Or is it the next obviously seeming step to a life of fitting in and surviving?

Does it reflects something deeply important to you?

Or is it because you've been standing up every time the bell rings for so long that you can't imagine doing anything else?

Discipline gets you there. Discernment helps you decide where THERE should be.

You KNOW I love discipline. I have the lat spread to prove it. 🤣

I love consistency, commitment, doing the work and watching what becomes possible when a man follows through.

But here's something I've come to appreciate.

Discipline helps you pursue a direction. Discernment helps you decide whether that direction deserves YOUR LIFE in the first place.

Now THAT gets me excited!

Because you can be extraordinarily disciplined and still be pursuing somebody else's definition of a life well lived.

You can build a huge business because you LOVE creating something meaningful.

Or because you're still trying to prove your father wrong.

Same achievement.

Two very different reasons for pursuing it.

Neither man's motivation is necessarily obvious to the people looking in from the outside.

And sometimes it isn't even obvious to the man himself.

This is why self-awareness is so important.

 The more you understand yourself, the more deliberately you can decide what deserves your time, your energy and your commitment.

Which opportunities deserve a HELL YES.

Which invitations deserve a No Thank You.

What relationships you want to cultivate.

What values you're unwilling to sacrifice.

And which ambitions genuinely make you come ALIVE.

Research into self-determination and motivation has explored the importance of why we pursue goals, not simply whether we achieve them.

I find that distinction is so meaningful.

A bigger goal isn't automatically a better goal. A goal that truly belongs to YOU is worth a whole lot more focus and effort.

And that brings me to something I believe every man can develop.

Discernment.

Experience alone doesn't make us wiser. We have to PAY ATTENTION.

I used to think self-awareness was something you eventually figured out.

As though one day you'd arrive at this wonderful moment of clarity and finally have the complete instruction manual for being YOU. Lekker, ne? 🤣

But the older I get, the more I realise that self-awareness is an ongoing relationship with yourself.

You learn by living.

You try things.

You succeed.

You make mistakes.

You discover something you thought you wanted isn't actually all that important to you.

And sometimes you discover that something you never expected to enjoy becomes one of the greatest joys of your life.

Welcome to being human, my dude!

But here's the important part.

Having experiences doesn't automatically mean we learn from them.

We can repeat the same mistake five times and still blame everything and everyone around us.

We can achieve one goal after another without ever examining whether those goals are actually important to us when no one is watching.

So what turns experience into wisdom?

For me, an enormous part of the answer is CONSCIOUS CURIOSITY.

The willingness to stop, pay attention and ask an honest question.

Why the hell is everyone getting up?

Why did that matter so much to me?

Why did I react that way?

Why do I feel so ALIVE doing this?

What was I hoping reach the top of that mountain that took so much from me would give me?

What did this experience teach me about the man I want to be?

But don't confuse self awareness with the enemy in your head my guy. 

I'm talking about curiosity, not attacking yourself.

Because I know how flippen good we can be at THAT!

There's a difference between examining a decision and spending the next ten years telling yourself what an idiot you were for making it.

One gives you information.

The other can leave you stuck and feeling shitty to boot.

Psychologists have distinguished between reflection and rumination—two very different ways we can turn our attention inward.

I'm not trying to put myself on trial. I'm trying to understand myself well enough to make a BETTER choice next time.

Here's how I approach it.

LIVE. PAY ATTENTION. GET CURIOUS. CHOOSE AGAIN.

Try something. Notice what happens. Be honest about what you've learned.

Decide what to keep, what to change and what to leave behind.

Then go and LIVE some more!

Rinse and repeat.

EVERY SINGLE DAY. SOOS TANDE BORSEL.

That's how we develop discernment.

Not by getting everything right.

But by becoming conscious participants in our own lives.

I get to choose what I KEEP. And the man I want to become.

Coming out as a gay man required me to examine parts of my life I'd struggled to understand for a long time.

It wasn't a magical moment when every question was suddenly answered.

But it gave me an extraordinary opportunity to reconsider some of the expectations I'd carried.

And here's something I want to be VERY clear about.

Discovering more about who I am didn't require me to reject everything about the man I'd been.

I built a business and become father.

I loved, worked, provided and took my responsibilities seriously.

Those things were real to me.

The love was real.

There is SO MUCH in that life that I'm grateful for.

And I still LOVE many, if not most, of the same things today.

I LOVE my masculinity, training and being physically strong.

I LOVE leadership, providing and being Luke's papakie.

I LOVE my faith and the values that give my life direction.

But those are meaningful parts of the man I WANT TO BE.

Another man will have his own combination of values, strengths, ambitions and responsibilities.

And that's BEAUTIFUL!

I haven't become a different kind of man. I've become more fully the man I already was.

And perhaps even more importantly, I've become fascinated by the man I still have the privilege of becoming.

Because I believe God created me with purpose.

That I've been entrusted with abilities, opportunities, relationships and responsibilities.

And that I have a mandate to make something meaningful of the life I've been given.

Not somebody else's life. MINE.

But faith doesn't mean every decision arrives with a detailed instruction manual.

I still have to think, pray, listen, make decisions and take responsibility for them.

Sometimes I get it wrong. SOOO WRONG. 

Sometimes I learn something that changes how I see the world.

And sometimes the most important thing I can do is stand by a conviction I've consciously examined.

I don't believe faith and curiosity have to be enemies.

In my own life, I want them to inform one another.

And when I think about Luke, that's something I want him to learn too.

I want to give him wonderful values, encouragement, opportunity and an example worth considering.

But I don't want him growing up believing he must become a miniature version of me.

I want him to discover his own gifts, his own ambitions and his own understanding of the life he wants to build.

To know that he is loved more than I can ever put into words.

And to have the courage and discernment to choose for HIMSELF.

Just as I want to keep doing.

Four questions worth asking yourself.

 Four questions I'd LOVE you to explore ton your own journey to become more self aware and develop discernment.

1. What parts of my life feel genuinely MINE?

 Think of what parts truly reflect your values and give your life meaning.

What would you still pursue even if nobody else could see you achieving it? Just for you .

2. What am I doing mainly because somebody else expects it of me?

I'm not suggesting abandoning meaningful responsibilities.

Love, fatherhood, relationships and commitments sometimes require doing difficult things.

But there's a difference between choosing something because you believe in it and doing it because you're afraid of disappointing somebody.

3. What has my life been trying to TEACH me?

Look at the decisions you've made.

Your successes. Your mistakes.

The seasons when you felt most alive.

What patterns are emerging?

What would you do differently with what you know today?

4. What deserves MORE of my life? And what deserves LESS?

This is where self-awareness becomes real action.

Choose one thing you genuinely value but haven't been giving enough attention.

And one thing that's been taking more of your life than you genuinely want to give.

Make a deliberate change. Because the point isn't to spend the rest of your life thinking about who you are.

TAKE ACTION DUDE! LIVE differently because of what you've discovered.

Brother, imagine the man you're still capable of becoming.

I LOVE being a man.

I love the life I've been given, the values I hold and the ambitions that excite the hell out of me.

And I love that other men are building lives that look completely different from mine. COMPLETELY.

That's one of the things I enjoy MOST about coaching.

Getting to know a man.

His story. His ambitions.

The things that are important to him.

The life he's dreaming of building.

I'm not interested in turning him into my idea of a successful man.

I want to help him understand himself so deeply that he can make deliberate choices about the man HE wants to become.

And then help him develop the clarity, habits, courage and capacity to actually LIVE it.

That's the work I LOVE.

If you're curious about what that could look like in your own life, you're welcome to explore my personal coaching for men. We can start with an Exploration Call and see what might be possible.

But for now, I want to leave you with one question.

If you stopped trying to live up to everybody else's expectations, what kind of man would you CHOOSE to become?

Because the bell is going to keep ringing, brother.

You don't have to stand up every time.

And man, what an extraordinary privilege it is to have a life in which you get to CHOOSE.

I LOVE BEING A MAN. AND I'M ABSOLUTELY FASCINATED BY THE MAN I STILL HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF BECOMING.