Being Gay and Living by Your Values
“That’s gay.”
I hear it from men and women. Something is described as weak, inferior or less worthwhile, and “gay” becomes the word used to dismiss it.
Then they realise I’m standing next to them.
They start explaining. They meant something weaker. They try to clarify that, hear themselves, and stumble over the next sentence.
“It’s okay. I get where you come from,” I say. And I smile. While secretly thinking I could bench press you and your one rep max together.. ๐
I understand how easily people repeat language they have grown up hearing. Sometimes the awkwardness is the moment they begin to notice what their words carry.
I try to meet that moment with grace. Having grace for someone else’s conditioning can help me bring that same care to the beliefs I have absorbed myself.
The way we learn to see ourselves influences the lives we allow ourselves to build.
How do you begin living from your values when you have spent so much time hearing other people’s judgements?
I would begin with three things: examine what you have learned to believe about yourself, get clear on what matters to you, and choose people and daily actions that support those values.
Grace and boundaries belong together
Grace has a place in my life. So does paying attention to how people treat me.
When someone says they love you, their everyday behaviour is also important and needs to reflect that. Notice whether they listen when something hurts. Notice whether they take responsibility for their language. Notice whether there is room for your feelings in the relationship.
Repeated derogatory comments can wear on your sense of worth. Over time, you may begin to question yourself through the same assumptions you keep hearing.
I think it is worth asking: What happens to my relationship with myself when I spend time with these people?
You can care about someone and ask for respect. A conversation might begin with:
“I care about our relationship. When you use ‘gay’ to describe something inferior, it affects me. Please choose another word.”
Then pay attention to what happens afterwards.
A person’s willingness to listen and change gives you useful information. So does a pattern that continues. Let that information guide the time, trust and access you give the relationship.
If you find these conversations difficult, my article on setting boundaries without feeling guilty offers a practical place to begin.
Understanding internalised homophobia
Psychologists use the term internalised homophobia to describe the way negative social attitudes towards being gay can become part of a person’s own judgement of himself. Ilan Meyer’s minority stress framework describes this process alongside experiences such as prejudice and expecting rejection.
For some men, those learned judgements become familiar enough to feel like their own convictions. A man may hear a harsh thought about himself and recognise the language of his family, school, religious environment or social circle.
One question I find useful is:
Where did I learn to speak to myself this way?
Give that question some time. Listen for the phrases you repeat, the expectations you unconsciously belive and the conditions you place on feeling worthy of love.
Your experience will have its own shape. Some gay men grow up with considerable acceptance. Others have years of painful messages to examine. Understanding your particular history helps you decide what needs attention.
If that examination brings up persistent shame or painful memories, an affirming therapist can offer support. In coaching, I focus on your values, decisions and the everyday life you want to build.
Your orientation and the life you choose
The American Psychological Association describes sexual orientation in terms of emotional, romantic and/or sexual attraction. A man can recognise that he is gay through his internal experience, including before any sexual experience with another man. The APA also affirms same-sex attraction as a normal variation of human sexuality. Its explanation of sexual orientation provides a useful foundation for understanding this.
A gay man can live his entire life without having sex with another man. His attraction, his identity and his sexual behaviour each deserve to be understood in their own right.
That distinction gives you room to consider your life carefully and with compassion.
You get to think about the relationships you want, the commitments you make, how you express intimacy and the pace at which you understand yourself. Your choices deserve honesty, consent and care for everyone involved.
Be thoughtful about the expectations you attach to the word “gay”. Ask how each expectation fits with your own values and circumstances. This word should never be a diagnosis for what you feel. This is not "all you are".
There is a whole man here: your faith, relationships, responsibilities, interests, ambitions and hopes. All of that belongs in the conversation.
Monogamy is one of my values
Monogamy matters deeply to me.
I value a committed relationship in which both people choose exclusivity, understand their agreements and take care of the trust between them.
That is something I want to honour in my own life.
If monogamy matters to you, give it a clear place in the relationships you choose. Talk about what commitment means to you. Ask what the other person wants. Take the time to understand whether your expectations fit.
Other men will make their own considered choices about relationships. Mutual honesty, consent and respect matter in those agreements too.
The question I would bring into coaching is: What kind of relationship expresses the way you want to love and live?
Answer that in your own words. Let it guide your decisions.
My relationship with God matters to me
I believe God loves me. Building a real relationship with Him matters to me.
I want that relationship to include the whole of who I am. I want room for honesty, questions, love, responsibility and growth.
Faith is one of the places I turn when I think about the man I want to become and the way I want to live.
If faith is important to you, give it thoughtful attention. What do you believe about God? What do you believe about yourself in His presence? Which teachings help you live with love, integrity and care?
You may find it helpful to speak with a trusted spiritual mentor who respects your dignity and takes your questions seriously.
Your relationship with faith is personal. In coaching, I would want to understand what it means in your life and how you want it to inform your choices.
Find your people
The voices you give your attention to matter.
For me, books and audiobooks have been important sources of encouragement. I have found uplifting mentors through their work: people whose words help me reflect, grow and return to what matters to me.
A book can introduce you to a way of thinking you have rarely heard around you. An audiobook can give you something thoughtful to carry into your day.
I would also encourage you to build relationships where care goes both ways. Find people who are interested in your actual life, who can listen to uncertainty and who make room for your values.
Shared interests can help you begin. Training, cycling, a faith community, a creative interest or a cause you care about can bring you into contact with people you enjoy.
Pay attention to how you feel around them. Can you speak honestly? Can you express a preference? Can you disagree and still feel respected?
You may begin with one person and one conversation. Give good relationships time to develop.
Become someone you can rely on
I think about this as becoming my own best friend, brother and father.
I mean learning to bring those qualities into the way I treat myself: the warmth of a friend, the encouragement of a brother and the steady care of a father.
That can look very ordinary.
Keeping a manageable promise to yourself. Feeding yourself properly. Making time for rest and movement. Taking an honest look at a decision. Owning your mistakes and making repairs. Speaking to yourself with care when life feels difficult.
Ask yourself: How would I respond to a man I love who was facing this?
Then bring some of that same care to yourself.
As you get to know yourself, you can build a life that includes the different parts of who you are. You can also let trusted people know you more fully, at a pace that fits your circumstances.
Put your values into this week
Get clearer on who you are as you explore the world around you. Your values can guide where you look, what you try and which commitments you make.
Here is a reflection I would invite you to spend ten minutes on.
1. Write down one judgement you keep carrying.
Use the words you actually hear in your mind. Then ask where you first learned them and how they influence your choices today.
2. Choose three values you want to live by.
Perhaps faith, honesty and monogamy. Perhaps connection, kindness and independence. Choose words that mean something specific to you.
Values can come from family, culture, faith and experience. Give yourself time to consider which ones you personally endorse and how you understand them now.
3. Give each value an action.
If you choose honesty, that might mean telling a trusted friend how you are doing.
If you choose faith, it might mean making time for prayer or arranging a thoughtful conversation.
If you choose self-respect, it might mean explaining a boundary and following through on it.
If you choose monogamy, it might mean having a clear conversation about the relationship you want.
4. Choose one action to take this week.
Write down when you will do it. Afterwards, reflect on what you learned, how the choice expressed your value and what you want to do next.
Keep the action manageable. Let your understanding deepen through experience.
The coaching conversation starts with your life
When I work with a man, I want to understand his life in context. His relationships. His responsibilities. His faith, if that matters to him. The things he values and the choices he is finding difficult.
My own experience helps me approach some of these conversations with care. Your experience deserves the same attention in its own right.
In Building a Life After Separation or Coming Out, I wrote about the decisions that follow a major change. Values give those decisions direction: who you spend time with, how you love, what you commit to and how you treat yourself along the way.
If you would value support with that work, we begin with an Exploration Call. We can talk about where you are, what matters to you and whether coaching fits what you need.
