Finding Your People: How to Make Friends in Your 40s
“Find your people.”
I wrote those words in Being Gay and Living by Your Values. I want to spend more time with them, because there is a practical question inside that advice.
How do you make friends in your 40s, especially when your life has changed and your weeks are already full?
For me, some of the voices that have encouraged me have come through books and audiobooks. I have found mentors through their work. Their words have given me space to reflect on my values and the life I want to build.
I also love training and cycling. Fatherhood and faith matter deeply to me. These are parts of my life I want my relationships to have room for.
Your life will contain its own priorities. You may be raising children, running a business, working long hours or learning a new rhythm after separation. You might know plenty of people through those responsibilities and still want someone you can talk to more personally.
I would begin with the people already around you, a place you can return to regularly and one clear invitation. Then give the connection time to develop.
There is room to start with one person.
Who can you be yourself with?
Think about someone whose company you enjoy.
What happens when you spend time together? Can you relax? Can you express a preference? Can you say how you are actually doing? Are you interested in his life too?
Those questions help clarify the kind of friendship you want.
You may value a friend who shares your enthusiasm for training. Someone who enjoys a quiet conversation. Someone who takes your family responsibilities seriously. Someone who can listen when you are uncertain and celebrate when something goes well.
A systematic review of 38 studies on adult friendship and wellbeing found associations involving friendship quality, support, time spent together and efforts to maintain the relationship. Much of that research involved younger adults, so it offers useful context while leaving room for the circumstances of a man in midlife.
In coaching, I would bring the question back to your own life: What would a good friendship allow you to share, enjoy and contribute?
Give your answer some detail. It will help you recognise where to put your attention.
Start with the people already in your life
Making friends in your 40s can begin with someone you already know.
An old friend you have been thinking about. A colleague whose company you enjoy. A man you regularly talk to at the gym. Another parent you see often. Someone from your neighbourhood or faith community.
Choose a person with whom there is already some warmth or shared interest.
Then take the conversation a little further. Ask what he enjoys outside work. Follow up on something he mentioned. Tell him a little about what makes you light up as a person.
You could send an old friend a message like this:
“I was thinking about you today. It would be good to catch up. Are you free for coffee on Saturday morning?”
With someone you know through training, an invitation might sound like:
“I’ve enjoyed our chats. Want to go for a coffee after Saturday’s session?” or maybe a protein shake if you are like me. ๐คฃ
These are small invitations. They give the other person something clear to respond to.
If he is busy, there may be another time that works. If the interest stays one-sided over several attempts, you can put your energy into other connections. Look for willingness on both sides.
Choose somewhere you can return to
Shared interests give a friendship something to grow around.
Training and cycling are natural starting points for me because I enjoy them. You will have your own: walking, gardening, volunteering, music, a faith community, a sport or a class you have wanted to try.
Choose something you would enjoy doing regularly. Consider the practical details too: the cost, travel, timing and how it fits with work and family.
Communication researcher Jeffrey Hall’s research on friendship development examined adults who had recently moved and first-year university students. Time together, shared leisure activities and everyday conversation were associated with developing closeness.
I would use that as a reason to give a promising connection repeated opportunities.
For example, you might join the same Saturday ride for a few weeks. Arrive with enough time to speak to someone. Learn a name. Ask how the previous week went. Let a conversation continue the next time you meet.
Repeated contact gives you more information about the person and gives him more opportunity to know you.
Make an invitation someone can answer
“Let’s catch up sometime” can be a sincere thought that stays in the conversation.
Give the invitation a shape.
“I’m going for a walk on Sunday morning. Would you like to join me?”
“I have an hour after work on Thursday. Shall we get a coffee?”
“Would you like to train together next Tuesday?”
Choose something manageable for the stage of the friendship. A short coffee, a walk or a shared session can be a comfortable place to begin.
You can also make the invitation fit the life you actually have. If your evenings belong to family, suggest a morning. If money is tight, choose a free activity. If your diary changes, say what is realistic.
Reliability matters here. Keep the plan, or communicate early and suggest another time. Those ordinary actions give the relationship something to rely on.
Let someone get to know you gradually
A conversation can stay with work, sport and plans for the weekend. You can also open a small window into your own experience.
You might say:
“I’ve been working out what I want this next part of my life to look like.”
“I’m learning a different routine since the separation.”
“I’ve realised I want to make more time for friendships.”
Share something that fits the trust you have built. Then notice how the person responds.
Does he listen? Does he take an interest? Does he treat what you have shared with care? Does he allow you your own pace?
Return that attention. Ask about his life. Remember something important to him. Make room for his answer.
Friendship grows through both people taking part. Give yourself permission to receive care as well as offer it. If someone asks how you are, you can give him an honest answer. If he invites you, you can allow yourself to be wanted there.
Who gets to know the man behind everything you do?
That is a question worth sitting with.
When you are rebuilding your social life after separation
Separation can change the practical arrangements around friendship.
You may have shared friends, different parenting schedules or familiar occasions that now need another plan. Some relationships may need a conversation about how you stay in touch.
A South African qualitative study of 12 divorced men described experiences of loneliness and the support participants found through friends, family, faith communities and support groups. Those accounts offer insight into particular men’s lives.
Your own circumstances deserve the same individual attention.
You can tell a friend that you would like to keep seeing him. Suggest something you can do together. Explain your availability. Give an existing friendship a chance to find its place in the life you are building.
Coming out can also bring personal questions about belonging and openness. You get to consider whom you trust, what you want to share and where you feel comfortable.
I explored that period of change in Building a Life After Separation or Coming Out. One of the questions that follows is how to give connection a place in ordinary life: the people you speak to, the plans you make and the relationships you care for.
Give your values a place in your friendships
I want the relationships in my life to have room for the things I value.
For you, that might include faith, family, honesty, loyalty, kindness or an active life. Consider how those values would show up in a friendship.
Honesty might mean being able to say what you think. Care might mean checking in after a difficult week. Respect might mean listening when one of you explains a limit. Reliability might mean keeping the plans you make.
You can enjoy someone’s company while holding different views or interests. Pay attention to how you treat each other when those differences become visible.
Grace helps people learn. Clear boundaries help them understand what matters.
A boundary can be as ordinary as:
“I can join you for coffee between nine and ten. After that I have family plans.”
Or:
“I’d like to talk about this privately. Please keep it between us.”
For help finding words that fit your circumstances, How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty offers practical examples.
Give friendship a workable place in your week
Work, parenting, training and other commitments can take up the time that friendship needs.
Look at the week you actually have. Where could a connection fit?
A walk at lunchtime. Coffee after training. A monthly breakfast. A phone call while you are both free. A regular activity where you see the same people.
Choose a rhythm you can keep and discuss it with the other person.
You can also bring friendship into something you already enjoy. For me, training and cycling offer that possibility. Shared time can become part of a life you value.
If the question reaches into your wider priorities, Feeling Lost at 40? How to Choose Your Next Direction can help you examine one area of uncertainty and choose a useful next step.
One connection to give your attention to this week
Take a few minutes and write down:
- One person you would like to know better or reconnect with.
- One thing you genuinely enjoy that could bring you into regular contact with people.
- One quality you want to bring to a friendship yourself.
- One invitation you can make, including an activity and a possible time.
Then choose one action.
Send the message. Make the invitation. Attend the group. Follow up on a conversation.
Afterwards, notice what you learned. Did you enjoy the person’s company? Was there interest on both sides? Would you like to spend time together again?
Let those answers guide the next step.
A life with room for connection
Books, audiobooks and mentors have been meaningful sources of encouragement for me. I also want to give connection a place in the life I live each day: alongside fatherhood, faith, training, work and the things I care about.
Your life will have its own shape.
In coaching, I want to understand that shape with you. We can look at the relationships you value, the time you have available, what feels difficult and the choices you want to make.
If you would value support with that work, every coaching option begins with an Exploration Call.
