What I Want My Son to Learn About Being a Man

Luke is now eight.

When I think about the man I hope he will grow into, I think about his heart. His relationship with God. The way he will treat people. The promises he will keep. The courage he will need when life asks something difficult of him.

I want him to feel proud of being a boy and, eventually, a man. I want him to enjoy his strength, develop his abilities and take responsibility for the way he uses them.

I want him to be kind. Dependable. Honest. Someone who can stand up for himself and treat another person with care.

Then I come back to a question I sit with a lot... what am I modelling to him?

What does Luke experience when he is with his dad?

Because I am one of the men he gets to watch up close.

He hears what I say about values. He also gets to experience my patience, my attention, my promises and the way I respond when something goes wrong.

The values I hope to give him need a place in my own life first because he is always watching.

The conversations that happen while we do something together

I really take time to talk to Luke.

I have found that some of our conversations happen most naturally while we are busy doing something. I ask him to help me and give him a task. We spend time together, and while he is occupied, I begin asking questions.

How does he feel about something? What does he think a word means? How does he understand a situation?

I notice that when his hands are busy and his attention is on a task, he sometimes seems more at ease sharing his thoughts.

That is something I have noticed with my son. Another child may feel more comfortable during a walk, at bedtime or in a quiet conversation. I want to pay attention to what works for him as he grows.

There is something meaningful to me about giving him a real part in what we are doing. We have a reason to be together. I get to hear how he is making sense of his world.

Questions might sound like:

• “What did you think when that happened?”
• “What does being brave mean to you?”
• “How did that feel?”
• “What would you like me to understand?”

Then comes the part that requires discipline from me: listening.

I can give him time to find his words. I can ask whether I have understood him. I can let a question remain open while he thinks.

The American Academy of Pediatrics' guidance on healthy communication with children encourages attentive listening, calm communication and acknowledging a child's perspective.

For me, that brings the focus back to the boy beside me.

The details of Luke's answers belong to him. What I can share is the responsibility I feel to make room for them.

The values I want him to carry

I want Luke to have values he can understand, practise and eventually make his own.

These are some of the qualities I hope to help him develop:

• Love for God. A relationship with God that has room for honesty, questions, gratitude and trust.
• Trust. The ability to build trust through his actions, recognise people who treat him with care and use good judgement about whom he relies on and let's into his life.
• Dependability. Taking his word seriously, following through and communicating when a commitment needs to change.
• Strength and self-control. Developing his body and his abilities, managing strong feelings and using his strength responsibly.
• Pride in his masculinity. Enjoying being a boy and growing into a man with self-respect, while respecting women and men whose lives and interests differ from his.
• Courage. Speaking honestly, asking for help, trying something difficult and standing beside someone who needs support.
• Kindness and empathy. Taking an interest in another person's experience and treating people with dignity.
• Grace. Making room for human imperfection, learning from mistakes and understanding that forgiveness can sit alongside clear boundaries.
• Stewardship. Caring for what has been entrusted to him: his health, time, abilities, relationships, resources and the world around him.
• Integrity and responsibility. Owning his choices, telling the truth and making repairs when he causes harm.
• Humility and curiosity. Being willing to learn, listen, reconsider and discover abilities he has yet to develop.
• Discipline and patience. Giving worthwhile things steady effort and allowing growth to take time.
• Gratitude and joy. Appreciating what is good, enjoying his life and bringing warmth into the lives of people around him.

Writing that list gives me a clear picture of the work ahead of me. So no pressure at all... 🤣

If I want him to value dependability, I need to take the promises I make to him seriously.

If I want him to be kind, I need to consider my tone when I am tired or frustrated.

If I want him to have courage, I need to show him how I approach an honest conversation.

If I want him to know grace, I need to practise it when he is learning—and when I am learning too.

Which of my values can he actually experience this week?

That question makes fatherhood very practical.

Why I chose to speak honestly with Luke about being gay

During a conversation with my former parents-in-law, the question came up: perhaps Luke could learn that I am gay when he was older.

I had already spent a long time considering that question.

Our family life had changed. I thought about what he might understand, what he might wonder about and what my silence could communicate.

My concern was that treating this part of myself as something shameful might teach him to approach difference with shame. I also worried about what it would mean for trust if he later felt I had been hiding something important about his dad.

Those were concerns I took seriously as his father. His experience is his own, and I want to stay curious about it.

I believe there is dignity in who I am. I want to live with faith, love, integrity and responsibility. Being gay belongs within that honest understanding of my life.

So I spoke with Luke in a way appropriate to his age, and I check in with him often.

I want him to have a clear understanding of his dad, space for his questions and the experience of being loved through the changes in our family.

In Being Gay and Living by Your Values, I wrote about bringing faith, relationships and personal values into the life I choose. Fatherhood asks me to live those values in a relationship where my actions have real deep life long implications.

Age-appropriate honesty is an ongoing conversation

When a father is considering how to talk to his child about being gay, the child's age, understanding, questions and family circumstances deserve careful attention.

A young child can be given a simple explanation about love and relationships. For example, a father might say:

“Being gay means I can fall in love with a man. I love being your dad, and you can ask me questions.”

That is an example of wording a parent could consider. The right words need to fit the particular child and situation.

Adult sexual details belong in adult conversations. A child's questions can be answered simply, with room to return to the subject as understanding grows. So checking in regularly is important.

I want to learn what Luke thinks a word means before assuming we understand it in the same way. I want him to know he can raise a question again. I also want him to be free to return to the ordinary things that matter to an eight-year-old.

His role is to be my son. Managing my adult emotions and decisions is my responsibility.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recommends open conversations suited to a child's age and maturity. It also suggests preparing children for questions about their family and helping them respond to teasing.

That guidance gives me useful things to consider: what my child understands, what he may encounter and which trusted adults can support him.

A child psychologist or family therapist can help a parent think through timing, language, family change and a child's particular needs.

What research tells us about gay fathers and children

The research gives us a wider view than any one family's story.

A 2023 systematic review in BMJ Global Health examined 34 studies comparing sexual minority and heterosexual parent families. Most of the family outcomes studied were similar, with some results favouring sexual minority families. The review covered several kinds of families and focused on contexts where same-sex relationships had legal recognition.

Research specifically involving fathers is useful too. In Susan Golombok and colleagues' UK study, researchers examined 41 adoptive gay-father families alongside 40 adoptive lesbian-mother families and 49 adoptive heterosexual-parent families. Parenting stress and other family processes helped explain children's behavioural difficulties. These were adoptive families, so their experiences have their own context.

There is also research closer to the experience of coming out after a heterosexual relationship. A small exploratory study in Italy included 34 gay fathers and 32 lesbian mothers in that situation. Most participants had told at least one child and reported a positive response. Those were parents' accounts from a particular sample.

Together, these findings give me reasons to pay close attention to the relationships, care and support within a family. They describe groups and particular samples. Each child's experience still needs to be heard.

For me, the everyday question remains: how am I showing up for Luke?

The kind of strength I want him to know

I love training and physical activity. I value effort, discipline and developing strength.

I want Luke to have room to enjoy his body, discover what he can do and experience the satisfaction of improving at something.

I also want him to understand the responsibility that comes with strength.

That includes learning to manage frustration, respect another person's boundaries, stand up for someone and ask for help when he needs it.

I want him to know affection, enjoy friendship and be able to name what he feels.

I want him to take pride in being a man whose presence feels trustworthy.

There is room in that picture for determination, tenderness, ambition, humour, courage and care. I want him to discover his own interests and temperament as he grows.

That asks me to look closely at my expectations.

What am I encouraging because it helps him develop? What am I expecting because it makes me feel more comfortable?

A boy's interests, behaviour or emotions can stir something in his dad: an old judgement, a fear of how others will see him, a memory of being made to feel inadequate.

That is a possibility worth examining honestly. Our own histories can influence the expectations we bring to parenting.

If I notice that happening in me, the work belongs with me. I can seek adult support, examine the belief and choose how I respond to my son.

I want him to feel that I am interested in discovering who he is.

Giving guidance while protecting his dignity

There will be rules in Luke's life. Responsibilities. Limits. Consequences. Things he needs to learn and behaviour he needs to change.

I want to give him clear guidance and preserve his dignity in the process.

The American Academy of Pediatrics' policy on effective discipline warns about the harm associated with shaming and humiliating children. Its parenting guidance recommends clear expectations, calm explanations, modelling and consistent follow-through.

That is importaant when a father is trying to teach a boy how to behave.

For example, if a child has hurt someone, a parent can explain what happened, help him understand the impact and guide him towards repair:

“That hurt him. We need to check that he is okay, and then talk about how you can put this right.”

There is a specific action to understand and responsibility to take.

I want Luke to learn that he can bring a mistake to me. That I will take it seriously. That I will help him understand what needs to happen next.

When I think about boys being mocked for crying, frightened into obedience or humiliated for their interests, I think about the responsibility an adult has in that moment.

A father's discomfort with a child's emotions deserves attention. A child's dignity deserves care.

Both the guidance we give and the way we give it is so important.

I need to model repair too

I hold these values because they are important to me. Living them will require attention and practice.

Fatherhood asks me to examine how I respond under pressure. To notice when I become impatient. To own a promise I have failed to keep.

If I speak harshly, I want to be able to return and take responsibility. An apology might sound like:

“I spoke harshly to you Luke. I am sorry. I am going to take a moment to calm down so I can speak to you properly.”

Then I need to follow through.

I want him to see a man who can recognise a mistake and make a repair. Someone who takes responsibility for his words and actions.

The same applies to my own self-acceptance. I want to treat myself with dignity while taking my choices seriously.

When I work with younger men, I encourage them to let people know them: to show what they care about, be honest about their experience and keep working towards the man they want to become.

Choosing trustworthy people and a thoughtful time to speak is part of that courage.

For me, self-acceptance gives my faith, fatherhood, relationships, training and ambitions room to belong in one life. I can bring my whole self to that life and take responsibility for how I live it.

In How to Accept Yourself as a Man, I explored how acceptance and responsibility can live together. Fatherhood gives that work a very personal purpose.

The way I live with myself is part of the example I bring into the room with my son.

Entrusted with his life

I believe God has entrusted Luke to my care.

I think about stewardship when I consider what profound truth asks of me.

I want to help him discover and develop the dreams God has placed in his heart. To give him guidance, protection, opportunities and room to learn. To help him practise the skills and values that will serve him as he grows.

His life will have its own shape. His abilities, interests and hopes deserve my attention.

I have influence. I have responsibility. I also need humility as I get to know him.

Providing for him is not only my duty as his dad, it's also a privilege. So does being someone he can speak to, trust and always come home too. 

In The Pressure to Provide, I wrote about men losing themselves in the lives they build for others. Fatherhood brings me back to the relationship within that responsibility: the time we share, the attention I give him and the man he experiences as his dad.

I want him to enjoy being a child now and gradually develop the confidence to take responsibility for his own life.

A question for the father reading this

If you are thinking about how to be a present father, begin with one value you hope your child will carry.

Give it a meaning you can live.

Dependability might mean keeping a plan you have made together.

Kindness might mean paying attention to your tone during a difficult moment.

Courage might mean taking responsibility for a mistake.

Curiosity might mean asking a question and giving your child time to answer.

Choose one action for this week. Make it appropriate to your child's age and your circumstances.

Then reflect:

What did my child get to experience of that value through me?

You can also ask yourself:

What do I need to understand about myself so I can know my child more clearly?

My own life has involved separation, coming out and decisions about the life I want to build. I wrote about that work in Building a Life After Separation or Coming Out.

Fatherhood is part of that life. Luke is eight now, and I am still learning how to be the dad he needs as he grows.

I want him to know God. To know he is loved. To trust his values, develop his strength and treat people with grace.

And I want him to be able to bring the person he is becoming into our relationship.

That hope asks something of me today.

Working on the man you bring into your relationships

As a coach, I work with men on their values, identity, responsibilities and the choices they want to make.

Fatherhood can give those questions particular meaning. We can explore the expectations you carry, the pressures you are under and the actions you want to take in your own life.

If you would value support with that work, every coaching option begins with an Exploration Call.

Explore coaching and the Exploration Call.

— Jacque