When Seeking Relief Starts Running Your Life

 Alcohol. Gambling. Porn. Smoking/Vaping, Endless scrolling. Get ready for an honest adult conversation about some of the habits we turn to for relief that can ruin a man's life.

Fair warning, gentlemen. We're going there. Yikes!

I want to talk about alcohol, porn, drugs, gambling, smoking, vaping, endless scrolling, and some of the habits men develop while trying to cope with life's demands and, let's face it, its uncertainties. Especially when we're the ones expected to have the answers, keep everything together, and create a sense of stability and security for the people who depend on us.

Some of this may make you uncomfortable. I get it. But these subjects deserve a proper adult conversation, and I have no intention of whispering the word porn as though somebody's mother might overhear us.

I've spent more than 16 years working closely with people, particularly men, on their health, habits, performance, and personal transformation. I've had thousands of conversations about the lives men want to build and the things that sometimes get in their way. I've also had to take a good, hard look at my own relief seeking habits over the years.

My coaching has always been about helping people move their lives forward. Optimisation. Taking action. Building strong new habits. And getting brutally honest about where their energy is leaking and which habits are holding them back.

Men come to me for honest, sometimes uncomfortable, iron-sharpens-iron conversations, practical strategies, and the kind of coaching that challenges them to take real ownership of their lives. That's the work I do, and I love it.

Naturally, alcohol, porn, gambling, and other forms of escape have come up in these conversations more times than I can count.

And something I've noticed is how often successful, high-performing men keep these struggles hidden from the world. More often than not even from their own families and spouses. Over time, secrecy and shame can begin eating away at a man's self-respect. This can get ugly my guy.

I've seen what these struggles can cost men. Their health. Their relationships. Their finances. The trust of the people they love the most in this world. Sometimes even the dignity with which they want to live. And that is something that is very hard to get back. These habits can slowly change our internal climate and leave us in an internal raging storm that devastates our lives. I have seen this so many times. 

And I think these subjects deserve far more attention than I can give them in a single article.

So consider this an introduction. An honest overview of some difficult subjects, along with a few practical, manageable steps you can take today to begin making meaningful changes in your own life.

I believe God has given us an extraordinary life to experience, and I want men to genuinely enjoy it.

What happens when the things we use to get relief from life begin taking us away from the life we actually want to live?

Why we reach for relief

Picture a normal everyday man, just another dude, home after just another rough day at work.

He's worked all day, managed his responsibilities, stood in complexity, took a few beatings (hopefully figuratively 😆) and put out more than one man's share of fires. Perhaps his wife or partner is asleep and the children are finally in bed. Or perhaps he lives alone.

And after another brutal day he just wants a little time to "be", to decompress. He picks up his phone. Twenty minutes disappear. Then another forty. Then 60 min are gone...

He pours a drink, checks the betting odds, opens a porn site, opens social media and scrolls through other people's apparently spectacular lives. Before he knows it, it's past midnight.

(Nie ek nie, hoor! Of course not, sir! 🤣 But if something here hits a little close to home, take what you can from it. This is for the dude who needs to hear that he's not the only one dealing with these things, and that there's help available. And believe me, there's a hell of a lot of life worth reclaiming!) 

Let's get back to our story.

Tomorrow starts early. He's exhausted. But for a little while, the noise and fear in his head has been quieter. And that relief and release feels good in the moment.

I know from my work with men most men recognise what i'm describing all in their own way.

Of course he wants relief. We all do at times. Relief seeking is a normal human condition when the complexity of life becomes more than our capacity to stand in it.

We need rest, pleasure, enjoyment, laughter, intimacy, release, relief and opportunities to just switch off. To decompress. How we choose to do that could be a slippery slope tho.

A few drinks with friends now and then, a good film, some gaming, or an evening doing absolutely nothing may be perfectly ordinary ways to get some relief.

But I've seen how easily something that starts as a little enjoyment can slowly become the very thing a man depends on to escape the fear, uncertainty, and pressures of life. Until one day, he realises just how much of himself, his time, and the life he wants to live he's been giving to this habit.

Stress? Reach for it.

Boredom? Reach for it.

Fear? Reach for it.

Uncertainty? Reach for it.

The list goes on and always grows.

Loneliness, anger, disappointment, exhaustion, frustration? Reach for it again.

The relief is often genuine. That's one reason the pattern can become so ingrained in our lives.

The question is what happens afterwards.

Is he losing sleep? Spending money he needs? Withdrawing from his partner? Breaking promises to himself? Has it become difficult to stop? Does it make him feel shame afterwards?

And what might he be avoiding when he reaches for it? Why does he need it?

What happens inside you when the distraction disappears? When your real life picks up again?

I'd love you to think honestly about that for a moment.

Interesting - In a 2025 Pew Research Center survey of American adults, men and women reported loneliness at similar rates, yet only 38% of men said they'd be very likely to turn to a friend for emotional support, compared with 54% of women.

I've met men who has at least 6 dudes on speed dail to help install a new BIG-ASS TV before the Rugby World Cup kicks off. Within minutes, they'd arrive in their bakkies, armed with tools inherited from their grandfathers, a waterpas, and some VERY strong opinions about the precise height and angle of the TV for optimal viewing from the La-Z-Boy on a Sunday afternoon.

Suddenly, six grown men are treating a TV installation like a national engineering project. 🤣 And yes, gentlemen, as you can probably tell, I speak from personal experience!

Ask the same man which friend he'd phone to say, "I'm struggling with alcohol, gaming and porn, it's taking over my life. Can we talk?" and things can become rather quiet.

Most men carry enormous responsibility and has absolutely no one to talk to. 

A client once told me, "I'd rather fall on my own sword than let my wife see me struggling. That would mean I've failed as a man."

And he genuinely believed that keeping his struggles to himself was the honourable thing to do.

I understood where he was coming from. But gentlemen, I see no honour in putting on a brave face while the people you love end up paying the price for your silence. There's a difference between protecting your family and shutting them out of what you're going through and what inevitably will effect their lifes negatively.

I've written more about this in The Pressure to Provide: When Men Lose Themselves in the Life They're Building.

We've never had so many ways to switch off

Think about the extraordinary comforts we enjoy today.

A hot shower whenever you want, enjoy food from around the world, and speak to somebody on another continent in seconds.

Any Roman emperor would walk into Woolworths, discover the GREEK yoghurt aisle, and assume he'd died and gone to heaven. 😜 Pun intended. 

I love modern convenience. I'm particularly fond of running water, good coffee, and getting directions without asking a stranger who insists everything is "just around the next corner." 

As a millennial, I remember life before smartphones and constant internet access. We got bored, made plans, went looking for our friends, and somehow survived entire afternoons without knowing what everybody else was doing. When when through whole school holidays looking forward to hearing everything our best mate did at his dads in a different town all holiday.

That all changed. And I've watched that change happen in my own lifetime, and I can see some of the negative consequences of constant stimulation in how we're living and feeling today.

We can fill almost every moment with entertainment, shopping, social media, games, or something new to look at.

Technology is wonderful in many ways. I use it every day. In fact, I'm using it now.

But the ease of distraction also gives us PLENTY of opportunities to postpone the conversations, decisions, and changes that deserve our attention and action my dude.

When a habit starts costing you something important like your dignity

Let's call these habits what they are and look at them with some maturity.

Alcohol. I've spoken with men who began with a drink to unwind and gradually found themselves relying on alcohol to manage difficult evenings. Some are concerned about drinking more than they intended, hiding it, or feeling terrible the next morning. According to the World Health Organization, alcohol consumption contributed to an estimated 2.6 million deaths worldwide in 2019, including 2 million among men. Dependence and harmful drinking can have serious consequences.

Porn. Men have spoken to me about secrecy, compulsive viewing, hours lost, and sometimes even a complete loss of interest in intimacy with their partners.

And I'm going to say something that might ruffle a few feathers. I believe porn is absolutely devastating to a man's ability to experience genuine intimacy and connection.

I've heard men describe becoming increasingly desensitised, constantly seeking more and more stimulation and novelty, while their real relationships, sexual intimacy, and emotional connection suffered.

Now, porn use doesn't automatically mean you have a "disorder". Clinical guidance on compulsive sexual behaviour disorder looks at persistent loss of control and significant consequences, rather than frequency or moral disapproval alone.

But gentlemen, something doesn't need to qualify as a clinical disorder before we take the damage it's doing to our lives very seriously. And if it's costing you genuine intimacy, connection, or the relationship you value, I think it's worth having a very honest conversation about it.

Gambling. A wager can become a costly attempt to chase excitement or recover money already lost. Hiding losses, gambling with household money, and trying desperately to win it back can destroy financial stability and trust. The WHO identifies serious financial, mental-health, and relationship harms associated with harmful gambling.

Alcohol and gambling are particularly personal subjects for me.

I grew up with a father who struggled with both. I saw first-hand what these habits can do to a family. The damage extends far beyond the person struggling with the addiction. It affects the people who love them, the trust and stability within a home, and sometimes the very foundation of family life. This can never be undone.

It's one of the reasons I've always been cautious about alcohol. And gambling? I've never been able to stomach it.

But here's something else I want to also share about my biological father. 

After I finished school and left home, he turned his life around from a very dark place. And I take my hat off to that man for what he managed to do.

That doesn't excuse the mistakes he made or undo the damage. But he gave me something incredibly valuable through his example.

No matter what has happened, you can do better.

I've carried that lesson with me ever since. And when I work with men who are struggling with habits that are costing them and their families dearly, I remember that change is possible, even when things have gone terribly wrong for a very long time.

Drugs, vaping, and other substances. Their risks vary, but becoming dependent on something to get through an ordinary day deserves attention my guy and, sometimes, clinical support.

Scrolling, gaming, and working. These aren't all equivalent to substance dependence or gambling disorder. But a man can still be troubled by how much of his time, attention, and energy he's giving them. I've known men who run businesses successfully and struggle to put down their phones long enough to enjoy dinner at home.

A habit becomes worth examining when it repeatedly interferes with something important to you.

And sometimes the consequences become painful.

A man starts hiding things. He lies about money, breaks his own promises, neglects responsibilities, or crosses boundaries he once believed he never would.

When men describe feeling disappointed by the distance between their values and their behaviour, I hear how deeply that can affect their self-respect.

Some habits can compromise a man's dignity, especially when he begins acting in ways he struggles to respect.

And if that's where you find yourself, I want you to hear this: your humanity and your inherent dignity remain intact. You deserve respect and appropriate help. You can take responsibility for what you've done and begin making different choices.

Do more of what makes you feel strong

My former father-in-law is, to this day, very much a father to me. And the best example I have for the man I want to be in so many ways.

He once gave me advice that has stayed with me, and I often think of it when working with men on difficult habits.

"Jacque, it's simple, do more of what makes you feel strong, and less of what makes you feel weak."

I love those words. It's so simple even my 8 year old get's it.

I'm talking about the strength that comes from being able to respect your choices, keep your commitments, care for your health, tell the truth, and be present with the people you love.

The temporary rush of an activity may feel fantastic. Then morning arrives, and the consequences are waiting.

He also taught me to ask three questions before I make a decision:

Is this good for me?

Is this good for those around me?

Is this good for the greater good?

And when you ask whether something is good for you, consider more than whether it helps you escape your life for the next hour.

Of course, sometimes an afternoon nap, a beautiful meal, or laughing with friends really is good for you! I'm quite fond of enjoying myself too.

These questions help when a habit is starting to take you away from the person you want to be.

Your capacity determines how you respond under pressure

I've explored this in my book, The Capacity Framework. (Available on Amazon)

A highly successful man can manage a business, make complex decisions, and show tremendous discipline, then struggle to handle his own emotions when he's finally alone.

He may be functioning beautifully in one part of his life while feeling completely overwhelmed in another.

In my framework, I describe four basic operating levels, based on where a person is getting stability when life becomes demanding.

Level 1 — Outsourced Hope. When pressure overwhelms him, the man looks for something external that promises immediate relief. He hopes a distraction, a quick solution, or a change in circumstances will make things better.

Level 2 — Outsourced Action. He begins taking action using structure, boundaries, plans, accountability, and support. These tools can help him regain stability while he's learning.

Level 3 — Ownership and Skill. He develops the ability to recognise his patterns, manage stress, tolerate discomfort, recover properly, and make increasingly deliberate choices.

Level 4 — Creation and Life Design. He uses that capacity to create a life aligned with his values: his health, relationships, purpose, work, leadership, and contribution.

These levels describe ways of operating. They aren't fixed identities, diagnoses, or rankings of how much of a real "GROOT MAN" you are.

We can function at different levels in different areas of life. And in times of genuine overload, relief and external support may be exactly what we need.

The central question is whether we're gradually developing the capacity to manage our lives and move towards something meaningful.

I want us to build lives we have the capacity to enjoy.

All right, my dude. What do we actually do?

Let's make this practical.

For the next seven days, pay attention to one habit that's been bothering you.

1. Notice when you reach for it. What happened just before? Were you tired, anxious, lonely, angry, bored, or overwhelmed?

2. Notice what it gives you and what it costs you. Does it provide relief? For how long? How do you feel afterwards? Is it affecting your health, relationships, sleep, finances, or self-respect?

3. Ask those three questions. Is it good for me? For those around me? For the greater good? Think about the life you're building, and answer with that longer view in mind.

4. Make one deliberate change. Set a boundary. Put your phone away during family time. Talk honestly to your partner. Get proper rest. Reach out to a friend. Make a plan that supports the life you want.

5. Get professional help when it's needed. Dependence, harmful gambling, compulsive sexual behaviour, and mental-health difficulties can require proper assessment and treatment. If you're physically dependent on alcohol, seek medical advice before stopping suddenly; withdrawal can be dangerous.

And here's one more thing.

Ask a man you care about how he's really doing. Then give him the time to answer.

A life worth showing up for

I want more men to wake up genuinely excited about the lives they're building.

I want fathers to have energy left for their children. I want men to enjoy intimate, honest relationships. I want men to have deep friendships and meaningful ambitions. And I want the man who's always looking after everybody else to know he can ask for help when he really needs it.

Some of us need to make difficult decisions, repair relationships, accept support, and develop new skills. That work can give us a great deal back.

I keep returning to my former father-in-law's advice.

Jacque, it's simple, do more of what makes you feel strong, and less of what makes you feel weak.

Spend some time figuring out what that means in your own life.

And have a laugh along the way, gentlemen. Die genade ou... we're allowed to enjoy ourselves.

Your life is happening right now, my dude. I hope you get to enjoy THE HELL out of it.

Your brother and friend - Jacque Visagie

Men. Greater Lives.

Research and further reading

• WHO — Alcohol
• WHO — Gambling
• Pew Research Center — Men, Women and Social Connections
• Kraus and colleagues — Compulsive sexual behaviour disorder in ICD-11

The four levels above are adapted from my book, The Capacity Framework. They are intended to help readers understand patterns of capacity and behaviour, rather than to diagnose a condition.